heaven has read receipts
a spiritual dramedy in five parts
episode five: saleah’s prayer hotline
theme song: holy spirit by stormzy
dear serena,
this one’s for the chronically delulu (like you and i).
these are basically what my prayers have sounded like for the past… six months or so-ish. give or take.
tune in. don’t judge. maybe bring tissues.
act one: the boy in question (aka delulu is a spiritual gift)
saleah: so there’s this boy.
holy spirit: not this again.
saleah: hear me out.
holy spirit: i’m hearing foolishness.
saleah: he loves god.
holy spirit: does he love me or just quote me?
saleah: he sent me a sermon clip.
holy spirit: and immediately followed it with “wyd”?
saleah: it was anointed and timely.
holy spirit: girl, he sent a mike todd clip and then asked for rated 16 pictures.
saleah: okay, but he listens when i talk.
holy spirit: you mean he doesn't interrupt you. that’s not the same.
saleah: he said he’s in his soft era.
holy spirit: did he define what that means?
saleah: no, but he said “i’m emotionally available-ish.”
holy spirit: so emotionally inconsistent.
saleah: you’re being so negative right now.
holy spirit: i’m being discerning.
saleah: you’re blocking my husband.
holy spirit: i’m protecting your peace.
saleah: but what if this is a lesson in disguise?
holy spirit: baby you are not a school. stop enrolling every red flag.
saleah: i just think he has potential.
holy spirit: you’re not the holy spirit junior. it’s not your job to excavate “potential.” i don’t need an assistant.
saleah: so what should i do?
holy spirit: block. delete. log out.
saleah: you didn’t even pray about it.
holy spirit: i am the prayer.
saleah: but what if he changes?
holy spirit: girl.
saleah: no like...what if you sent him to test me?
holy spirit: i didn’t.
saleah: be honest. blink once for yes.
holy spirit: this is audio.
saleah: ugh.
holy spirit: exactly. please tell me you’re journaling again, at least.
saleah: i am. i wrote “god, pls don’t let me text him” twenty times.
holy spirit: and then?
saleah: i texted him.
holy spirit: …
saleah: hello? you still there?
act two: your timeline is hurting my feelings
saleah: i want to quit.
holy spirit: we’ve talked about this.
saleah: this job is killing me. the people are weird. the AC is never working. the management staff give me the actual creeps.
holy spirit: so? you’re not there for the people.
saleah: it’s a toxic environment.
holy spirit: you called it “your training ground” two weeks ago.
saleah: i was trying to be deep. now i just want deliverance.
holy spirit: so where do you want to go?
saleah: somewhere peaceful. aesthetic. remote. with wifi.
holy spirit: you want a sabbatical not a new job.
saleah: i want a new job and a new life.
holy spirit: you want a soft life, but can’t even soft launch your resume.
saleah: ouch.
holy spirit: i’m not being mean. i’m being accurate.
saleah: why can’t you just fast forward this season?
holy spirit: because then you’d skip the growth.
saleah: i would be okay with that.
holy spirit: i wouldn’t.
saleah: so you’re saying i should stay?
holy spirit: i’m saying… trust me.
saleah: i trust you but like… do it fast.
holy spirit: that’s not how trust works. you just said you trust me.
saleah: i do. i just also want to control the exact timeline and conditions of the breakthrough.
holy spirit: you literally cried and said “have your way.”
saleah: yes. and then you did and now i want to circle back on that.
holy spirit: this is why heaven has meetings about you.
saleah: good. tell them to speed things up.
holy spirit: what happened to being still and knowing?
saleah: i’m still. but like... anxiously.
holy spirit: be patient.
saleah: okay. fine. i’ll wait.
holy spirit: thank you.
saleah: but i’ll cry about it every day.
holy spirit: as is tradition.
act three: can he love you but still wear a nose ring?
saleah: what if he’s the one but he parties and like isn’t celibate?
holy spirit: what if he’s not the one and you’re bored?
saleah: what if he’s the one and he’s just… in his discovery era?
holy spirit: and you want to be what? the tour guide?
saleah: i just want him to love you. and also be a little unserious.
holy spirit: you’re describing yourself.
saleah: exactly. compatibility.
holy spirit: you don’t want a partner, you want a mirror with tattoos, who vapes, and wears a weird, dangly hoop in one ear.
saleah: exactly. like he leads worship but also knows where to get the best hangover suya at 2am.
holy spirit: this is oddly specific.
saleah: i have a vision. holy spirit: how about you have discernment. saleah: what if he’s like... emotionally intelligent and listens to khamari?
holy spirit: you need a covenant, not a situationship with a Spotify blend.
saleah: you’re being judgmental.
holy spirit: i’m being honest.
saleah: so... is it a no to the nose ring?
holy spirit: let’s focus on you first.
saleah: rude.
holy spirit: do you even know what you want?
saleah: yes. i want a man who loves you, but also knows how to dress and doesn’t say “shalom” after sneezing.
holy spirit: that’s oddly personal.
saleah: don’t worry about it. i just want friends who don’t drain me. and a man who doesn’t ghost when mercury is in retrograde.
holy spirit: i’m working on it.
saleah: can you hurry?
holy spirit: can you heal?
saleah: touché.
act four: healing? in this economy?
saleah: i want to serve.
holy spirit: great.
saleah: but not in a way that costs me sleep.
holy spirit: that’s decidedly less great.
saleah: i want to be useful, but like… passively.
holy spirit: what does that even mean?
saleah: like, i want to be a vessel… on weekends only.
holy spirit: you want to be an intern in the kingdom.
saleah: i want to live for you, just not too loud.
holy spirit: why not loud?
saleah: because then people expect things.
holy spirit: and you’re afraid of expectations?
saleah: no i’m afraid of group chats.
holy spirit: fair.
saleah: like, i want to give. but from a place of overflow, not “god is stretching me and i’m tired.”
holy spirit: stretching is part of the walk.
saleah: can i walk in comfort? in slippers?
holy spirit: you said you were ready.
saleah: i meant emotionally. not logistically.
holy spirit: you prayed for purpose.
saleah: and now purpose is calling me at 6am for workers morning prayer.
holy spirit: this is growth.
saleah: omg. i’m growing?
holy spirit: yes. it’s slow. but it’s real.
saleah: and i want to keep growing.
holy spirit: then stop ghosting me when things go right.
saleah: okay… that was personal.
holy spirit: it was necessary.
act five: so… there’s this boy (again)- don’t hate me
saleah: so…
holy spirit: don’t say it.
saleah: there’s this boy.
holy spirit: oh, for heaven’s sake.
saleah: he messaged me.
holy spirit: you unblocked him?
saleah: i didn’t even block him. i muted him. it’s different.
holy spirit: you’re doing this again.
saleah: but he said he’s working on himself.
holy spirit: that’s not the same as being whole.
saleah: what if he’s the assignment?
holy spirit: girl.
saleah: maybe i’m the one meant to show him the light.
holy spirit: you’re not the light. you have a torch. big difference.
saleah: he has potential.
holy spirit: so does a pothole.
saleah: why are you like this?
holy spirit: why are you like this?
saleah: i’m gonna pray about it.
holy spirit: you’re gonna ignore me and do what you want.
saleah: so we’re clear then.
holy spirit: this is why i whisper.
saleah: oh my gosh, fine. i’ll listen this time.
holy spirit: are you sure?
saleah: maybe.
holy spirit: …
saleah: hello? are you still there?
holy spirit: *deep sigh*
saleah: we really need to stop doing this…
currently:
crying to- retrograde by james blake
craving- a cold bottle of flying fish + a sign from god.
feeling- out of sorts (i don’t even have any witty, sarcastic comments left right now).
wearing: an oversized green polo shirt, from my dad’s closet (yup, we’re back to the big shirts as pajamas).
thinking: was that dream prophetic, or just the result of eating too much spicy food before bedtime?
crybaby check-in:
what red flag have you renamed “potential”, recently?
did you actually pray, or did you just complain in reverential tone?
okay, serena.
enough about my prayer life.
god is still working on me. obviously.
hope you liked today’s episode of crybaby club. if you didn’t, please tell god directly.
and if you did, i’ll see you in the next episode (hopefully).
may your soft girl era be spirit-led, and your crushes be emotionally regulated.
crybaby
disclaimer: podcast consistency is still proudly sponsored by emotional instability.
but this episode?
this one was powered by spiritual confusion, romantic delusion, and a dash of holy ghost side-eye.
aka: girlhood.
aka: me, praying about a man god didn’t even send.
😂😂😂omdss, this is very relatable.
An interesting read, well-done girll✨
PS I'm team Holy Spirit😭... don't listen to your heart, it just wants your blood (pun very much intended).
Let us know who wins, will you?
Girl 😭🤣🤣💔💔🤣